it has been over a year since i created this website. i truly feel like i am a completelty different person than i was before which a very difficult concept for me to grasp. a year is a very long time, long enough for me to have acquired an entirely different set of struggles to accompany my old ones. there are several topics that terrify me to the point where i am drawn to the idea of taking extreme action. these thoughts are terrifying, and once again i have reached a point where i can no longer exist in silence.
i am absolutely terrified of growing up. the thought of myself existing in a realm other than the one i currently reside in is enough to make me panic. i despise change. something so simple and essential to life makes me wish that i never had the opportunity to exist and experience it. i constantly shove aside these thoughts and these topics to try and keep myself at bay, but doing so does not change the fac that these things are inevitable. i need to come to terms with this.
another fear i have is the fear of death. of all the thoughts i have, thoughts of death are what alarm me the most because i believe that if anything can successfully drive me to my limit, it is this. i often lie awake at night, imagining the day of my death and the way that my last breath will be forcibly taken from me, leaving me nothing but an empty and soulless shell of a body. where my soul goes is not what i am afraid of. i am afraid of the powerlessness that i will feel when my life is ripped from my hands and the possible pain that will come with it. i am so afraid that i often contemplate taking my own life so that i can have power and control over my final moment. i have shared these thoughts with a few people, but it hasn't freed me or helped me in the slightest. i believe it just made these individuals worry about my wellbeing. i wish it didn't have to be this way.
the most recent thing that has been eating away at me is my self-esteem. i have no large problems with the way i look, in fact i think that i have stated before that i believe it is one of my only good traits. i'm beginning to come to terms with the person i am and why i am that way. however, as of late, i have felt a great distaste for myself in a new way. i am a hygenic person, i'd like to think. i shower every day, sometimes multiple times a day despite not doing any physical activity to make myself particularly unclean. i also brush my teeth twice a day, floss, and use mouthwash. i also have a skincare routine for both my face and my entire body. yet, i still feel incredibly disgusting and unclean and i'm not sure what to do. when i am around people, i am incredibly conscious of the way i smell and the way my breath smells and i often keep my distance so that i do not disgust the other person. it truly feels awful and i do not know how to change this.
although this entry has been nothing but horrific, i would like to end it on a positive note. i believe i am able to make 2020 a year of growth and prosperity for myself despite all the hardships that i face. i would also like to update here more frequently, and i will work hard to make that desire a reality.