december 18th, 2019

     it has been quite a while since i last updated, so long that i managed to forget how i even coded this website. reading back on my old entries, i saw that i was most definitely not in a good place or a good state of mind. i'd like to clarify that i do believe there is a reason for me to be alive, i just haven't found that specific reason. even if i happen to have no one, i still have myself and i am striving to find self-fullfilment.

     overall, i do not think i have changed as a person, which is quite an unfortunate thing. i believe all the issues that i had with myself still remain and i am still unable to do a lot of the things i wish i could do. i still find that i am not good at much of anything and there are many people out there who are superior to me in every way possible.

     however, i do believe that my mindset has changed. even now as i'm typing this, i do not feel sad. i am content with who i am and the path that i'm on, even if i know i could be so much better. i remember writing my previous entries at ungodly hours of the night, my eyes filled with tears as i typed out what i held close to my heart in what seemed like a cry for help. now, it is around six in the afternoon and i feel calm. my mind feels clear and i feel at peace. maybe another time i will find that this peace is just another facade i use to mask my true feelings, but for now i feel alright.