february 4th, 2019

     to be completely honest i do not like what i have built here, and the more i think about it, the more i want to delete this entire thing before it goes too far. but, that is simply because my brain is frightened to show emotion, right? i do not know. i feel embarrassed.
     i am completely awful in social situations, which is my biggest problem in life. it is why i have little to no friends (along with my attachment issues that cause me to only be close to one person at a time, prioritizing them over all else).
     in social situations, i often do or say things that could make me seem incredibly rude and like a bad person, but in the moment i do not realize it. i believe that i am saying what is in everyone's best interest, but when i think about it later, i realize i was wrong. i am always too embarrassed to apologize as well, because what if i am blowing the situation out of proportion? i tend to overthink, so it isn't unrealistic for this to be true.
     i always say the wrong thing, or say nothing at all, and i do not understand why i am completely unable to make connections with others. i try so desperately to speak to others and make friends, but i simply cannot. thinking back on all my years of life, i believe i have never had a friendship that i myself initiated. in order to make friends, i must wait for someone to talk to me, and continue talking to me. and even then, sometimes the entire thing is an unsuccessful waste of time.
     i do not think my friendship is worth the time and energy necessary to acquire it. i am not sure if i feel lonely or not most of the time. i mostly would like to erase my existence entirely, so that know one would know that i was ever here on this earth.