february 3rd, 2019

     at the moment, i do not feel particularly sad, simply weighed down by the usual feelings of inadequacy.
     i have come to clarify something that was probably blatantly obvious. i do not wish for consolation, nor pity, and i would not even go so far as to say that i want someone to empathize with me. i just would like to speak my thoughts so i no longer have to keep everything in.
     i wish i was able to capture my thoughts at the time of their conception, so that i could record them in their rawest form, before my mind tries covering up and denying that i thought or felt anything at all.
     my mind does this for a lot of things in my life, one being my self perception. i have always thought that my self esteem is good, and i have a realistic perspective on myself. however, i have recently realized that believing that i am inadequate and horrible at everything refutes that.
     one of my largest coping mechanisms is inflating my ego so that i am able to pretend that i am unafflicted. as i am becoming more aware of these processes, i am trying to stop them, but it is difficult. i do not know why my brain is so opposed to letting me feel things, and it is one of my many flaws.