january 31st, 2019

     i am not sure where to begin, really. at the moment, i feel very empty and lonely. there are a lot of things on my mind, so i shall try to describe them in a coherent fashion.
     i recently watched an interview of one of my favorite artists, and she was struggling with depression as well as young fame. in the comments, everyone was saying she was going to get into drugs and things like that, and it made me tremendously sad. my thoughts drifted to my brother, who is 18 and and a nicotine addict. i wonder what kind of pain he has gone through. of course, i have some sort of idea, but i won't get into that at the moment.
     there is more on my mind, but thinking about it only further upsets me. i know why i am the way i am, but i don't know how to fix myself. i say that, and i believe it with all my heart, but i still find myself constantly wondering what in the world is wrong with me? i wish i didn't feel like i have to conceal it. i wish i wasn't so obsessed with being a perfect enigma, but i have lived this way for so long, i don't know how to change. i try to be open with my feelings, but i have a tremendous amount of emotional baggage that involves throwing an incredible amount of people under the bus, and i do not wish to dump that on anyone.
     one of the many reasons i hate telling my problems is because i know how it feels to treated like a therapist. i used to not blame this person because i understand they were going through a lot, but now that i know better, i know how wrong they were. no matter how much pain you went through, venting to an eleven year old about rape and abuse is not wise.
     i don't want to continue writing anymore, sorry. thank you for reading. i hope i can write more in the future.